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Number 10.
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest
possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day,
teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky: Not really good for anything,
but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

The Number 1 Thought For 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located
among millions and millions of cows in America
but we haven't got a clue as to
where millions of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.

Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of Immigration?

The Mental Health Hotline

"Hello, .... and welcome to the mental health hotline........
  • If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
  • If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
  • If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
  • If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
  • If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
  • If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
  • If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
  • If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
  • If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
  • If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
  • If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
  • If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  • If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
  • If you are blonde don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up

Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work at his desk. He works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and always
finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classed as an asset employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:

That idiot was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly re-read only the odd numbered lines.

What is marketing?
 
You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"

That's Direct Marketing

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl.
One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says,
"He's very rich. Marry him."

That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and get her telephone number.
The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me."

That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm very rich "Will you marry me?"
 
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl.
She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich..."

That's Brand Recognition.


You see a gorgeous girl at a party.
You go up to her and say, "I'm rich. Marry me"
She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.

 That's Customer Feedback

 
An Introduction to Economics Using Cows


TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.


ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brotherin-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.


AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.


A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.


A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.


A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.


A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad.


AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.


A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.


A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.


AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.


A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the journalist who reported the numbers.


A WELSH CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is rather cute.


A DUTCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell your car, and use the cows to pull your caravan. Now you won't even have to buy milk when you get there.

 

Knight Pointing Left